Whats So Bad About Resolutions?
What’s so bad about New Year’s Resolutions, or making new ones at any time of the year, when they can fill us with hope and determination?
Well…perhaps living in the future, instead of the present.
What’s so bad about not having goals? You have nothing concrete to aim for that encourages you to make healthier moves and choices and you miss the joy of achieving them.
OK, what’s so bad about Resolutions, really? Like much of life…nothing much. Almost anything viewed as a positive can also have a negative side or use. I often write that if you have no goals, how can you achieve them? And yet something clinicians see a lot of problems with clients either living in the past or living in the future. That’s certainly true in Marin County and in Sausalito this winter season.
Actually, our brains work in ways that encourage goal making because making goals and attaining them sets us apart from most other creatures. Goals actually do help in some ways not to waste valuable time and energy running about without an aim or end result in mind. Neuroscience indicates that we need “pursuit” to activate certain pleasure centers. Goals can define us by what we want and to actually achieve them gives pleasure but so does the pursuit itself. Goals and resolutions are not the same things.
However, resolutions are living in the future to some extent. We all resolve at various times to change our body, lose weight, make more money, read or relax more, save more money, be a better parent or friend, get a degree, eat organic or improve our love life and much more. And yet, we make ourselves feel much worse or a failure when goals are unmet.
Isn’t the primary purpose of this life’s experience to live it? Relish it? It seems wise to enjoy it, to try out as much as possible, see as much as you can, do all that is fun and appealing, love as much as is reasonably healthy, and to help others. That means live now – today. Tomorrow may never come. What if it didn’t? What should today be like then?
I think it is a reasonable approach to life to be mindful and really enjoy what you are doing, feeling, eating, etc.
If that sounds a little like living to “smell the roses”, but it may greatly enhance your life.
Ask yourself every single morning, “What do I want my life to look like today?” “What could I reasonably make happen today?” “What is the one thing that I can do that will give me the greatest joy today?” If you do this regularly, almost everything in your life will begin to change for the better.
If the details and requirements of achieving your goals take up too much of your thought, time and energy, they may be keeping you from enjoying what is happening right now that you should be taking pleasure in.
Some resolutions may include leaving a relationship. Many of my friends and clients say their lives would be better “if he would…” or “if she would stop…” and they keep continue waiting for something to change. It may not. They could stop waiting for a future that may never turn out as they envision it and they could start living their own lives just one day at a time in ways that are meaningful and full of joy.
I’ve seen a lot of partners actually turn around unwanted behaviors when my clients took this new approach of deciding, “What do I want to enjoy just for today and what can I reasonably make happen?” This means that you are not trying to control or change anyone or make anyone join you. You are not looking for end goals or resolutions or what you want tomorrow or by next New Year’s. What if you just live today with joy? People who do so tend to attract people who find it compelling to be around them and they tend to get what they want out of life with this healthier approach.
If the methods you have been using to achieve your resolutions (needs and desires) have not gotten you what you wanted, then I’m going out on a limb here and say they are probably self-defeating. Try living by pleasing yourself and helping others just for today. I did not say pleasing others today. I said helping others today, as there is often a big difference. Start right now by asking yourself what you’d really like to see happen today. If what you’ve been doing has not brought you happiness and peace of mind, try it. What have you got to lose? You lose yourself when you live too much for goals and too much for others or even too much of your life waiting for others to change and give you what you think you want…always in the future.
However, some readers will insist on setting goals or resolutions anyway because they’ve found immense satisfaction in achieving them year after year. Congratulations, as you are in the minority of Americans. OK. What works?
Do not over-plan, over-reach, over-commit or be too strict with yourself. Write down your goals and review them daily. Have visual reminders such as a toy replica car on your desk, a small palm if Hawaii is your dream, a photo of you at a smaller size, or whatever, that you see daily.
Work on setting goals, not resolutions, that are positive, not negative (I won’t ever eat sugar. I’ll not go one day without exercising.). Goals need to be positive, worthwhile, attainable, incrementally measurable, reasonable, very specific, broken down into timely parts, easy to adjust if need be. But don’t make excuses – drop the goal or achieve the goal.
If you feel you must make goals to organize yourself and increase self-esteem by meeting them but are having challenges, why not consider monthly or weekly ones instead?
Life is short. Go live it. Only make resolutions if you can be kind to yourself and be flexible.
Most people need support. If it isn’t in easy reach, find an excellent therapist and get on with your happy life.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Stay safe,
Sharon
Valentino Therapy - Sharon Valentino MFT 